Parent- Job Description

Job Description  - PARENT 

 

 This is hysterical.

 

If it had been presented this way, I don't believe any of us would have done it!

POSITION TITLE:

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma,

  Old Girl   
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Old Man, Old Boy

JOB DESCRIPTION:

Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an
often chaotic environment.

Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends 
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!

Travel expenses not reimbursed.

Extensive courier duties also required.

 TERM OF EMPLOYMENT:

 

The rest of your life.

 

 RESPONSIBILITIES:

Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $20.

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:

None.

Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:

None required unfortunately.

On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:

Get this!  

 

You pay them!

Offering frequent raises and bonuses.

A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left.

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

Mommy and Daddy, are you meeting my emotional needs?

Hi mom:

I had a dream last night..
dreamed that I was all grown up!
I saw myself but couldn't recognize who I was
Didn't look like me..
Didn't act like me..
Didn't feel like me..
I couldn't understand who I saw????

So I wanted to share my dream
and tell you what I need
So when I grow up
I can be who God made me to be
ME...

I need an accepting mommy and daddy
who will model healthy female and male characteristics

I need to be loved unconditionally
so I can reach out to you with love and have my love accepted

I need to be acknowledged
Received, heard and included, and considered important

I need affirmation, words of encouragement and praise
for my accomplishments and personal characteristics

I need support
Strength and assistance to achieve

I need to trust my mommy and daddy
To rely on you to meet my emotional and physical needs as I mature

I need knowledge and Instruction
at the level of my inquiries

I need safe and nurturing touch
Without fear of pain or invasion

I need direction
Gentle training for my decision making and learning self control

I need active participation and caring
from my significant others

I need time devoted specifically to me
so I know I'm important and matter in your life

I need a sense of security
A peaceful home to enjoy the pure joy of the magic of my childhood

I need a comfortable routine
so my life is predictable and ..

I need the consistency of knowing
that consequences to my actions are based on principle
not emotions..

Finally, I need WINGS!
Freedom at the APPROPRIATE AGE
and maturity level to make my own choices in life...