An old hag's philosophy

TWENTY NINE LINES

TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.

He thought he was God and I didn't!

2... I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18 .. Procrastinate Now!

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory..

26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

. 28.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!

Life is TOO SHORT and friends are TOO FEW!!!

A woman's flaw

The One Flaw In Women
By the time the Lord made woman,
He was into his sixth day of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said,
'Why are you spending so much time on this one?'
And the Lord answered, 'Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
Have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable
And able to run on diet coke and leftovers,
Have a lap that can hold four children at one time,
Have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart
-and she will do everything
With only two hands.'

The angel was astounded at the requirements.
'Only two hands!? No way!
And that's just on the standard model?
That's too much work for one day.
Wait until tomorrow to finish.'

'But I won't, ' the Lord protested.
'I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart.
She already heals herself when she is sick
AND can work 18 hour days.'

The angel moved closer and touched the woman.
'But you have made her so soft, Lord.'
'She is soft,' the Lord agreed,
'but I have also made her tough.
You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish.'

'Will she be able to think?', asked the angel.
The Lord replied,
'Not only will she be able to think,
She will be able to reason and negotiate.'

The angel then noticed something,
And reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.
'Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.
I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one.'

'That's not a leak,'
The Lord corrected, 'that's a tear!'
'What's the tear for?' the angel asked.

The Lord said, 'The tear is her way of expressing her joy,
Her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,
Her loneliness, her grief and her pride.'
The angel was impressed.
'You are a genius, Lord.
You thought of everything!
Woman is truly amazing.'

And she is!
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
But they hold happiness,
Love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
And laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take 'no' for an answer
When they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
And cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
A birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
Yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
Can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
To show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE TINY FLAW IN WOMEN,

IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.