An old hag's philosophy

TWENTY NINE LINES

TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.

He thought he was God and I didn't!

2... I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18 .. Procrastinate Now!

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory..

26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

. 28.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!

Life is TOO SHORT and friends are TOO FEW!!!

A woman's flaw

The One Flaw In Women
By the time the Lord made woman,
He was into his sixth day of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said,
'Why are you spending so much time on this one?'
And the Lord answered, 'Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
Have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable
And able to run on diet coke and leftovers,
Have a lap that can hold four children at one time,
Have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart
-and she will do everything
With only two hands.'

The angel was astounded at the requirements.
'Only two hands!? No way!
And that's just on the standard model?
That's too much work for one day.
Wait until tomorrow to finish.'

'But I won't, ' the Lord protested.
'I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart.
She already heals herself when she is sick
AND can work 18 hour days.'

The angel moved closer and touched the woman.
'But you have made her so soft, Lord.'
'She is soft,' the Lord agreed,
'but I have also made her tough.
You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish.'

'Will she be able to think?', asked the angel.
The Lord replied,
'Not only will she be able to think,
She will be able to reason and negotiate.'

The angel then noticed something,
And reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.
'Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.
I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one.'

'That's not a leak,'
The Lord corrected, 'that's a tear!'
'What's the tear for?' the angel asked.

The Lord said, 'The tear is her way of expressing her joy,
Her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,
Her loneliness, her grief and her pride.'
The angel was impressed.
'You are a genius, Lord.
You thought of everything!
Woman is truly amazing.'

And she is!
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
But they hold happiness,
Love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
And laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take 'no' for an answer
When they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
And cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
A birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
Yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
Can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
To show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE TINY FLAW IN WOMEN,

IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Teaching your child how to be self-sufficient

HOLDING ON..ON MY OWN....

Why is teaching your child how to be self-sufficient important you might ask? It is the difference between raising a co-dependent child vs. an independent one. Do not mistake self-sufficiency with self-centeredness though, they are two very different things altogether.

Some children may like to live attached to the umbilical cord and some moms or parents may not mind :) However, if you want to raise your child to be successful in relationships, careers, and or education, it would be wise to give your child the tools and ability to be resilient against tough times, rough times and the unknown.

How will your son or daughter handle his/her relationship with you, friends, significant other?How will your child handle finances or career, consequences of their actions? Will they call on you to come to their rescue every time they need to pay their phone bill, the rent, their car payment? Will they live co-dependent to an unhealthy relationship because they do not know their self-worth or because they don't know when to say "enough is enough", or because they believe they can't survive on their own.

Don't get me wrong, teaching him how to ask for help when he is learning something new or doing something good is one thing, teaching him that you will bail him out of the consequences of his actions when he has disobeyed you or done something wrong is another :) Learning how to ask for help when he doesn't know how to do something will teach him humility. It is how he will learn to go to God in time of need.

Studies show that what a child learns in the first 7 years of life, will be the foundation to his personality for the rest of his life. The first 4 years where your child's brain elasticity is at its peek to learn, it is when you have the greatest window of opportunity to teach your child about all that may seem simple things but are the most important. Such as, obedience, trust, respect, independence, generosity, self-sufficiency, even humility among other things (language, etc..).

Lets start with the first and most important lesson your child will learn in the first year of his life; TRUST.

Believe it or not, teaching your child to TRUST you is the foundation for all other things like obedience and respect. Your baby needs to learn that his needs will be met by you, that he can trust you to feed him when his hungry, to change his diaper when his wet, to soothe him when he is in pain. By anticipating your baby's needs, you can avoid training him to cry and throw tantrums every time he needs or wants something.

This does not mean your child will never cry, that's unavoidable. However, you can teach him that he does not need to DEMAND things from you because he has learned to trust that you will come to take care of him when he needs you.

The key to this is teaching him a very simple cognitive skill... OBJECT PERMANENCE. Meaning, he will learn that when he can no longer see you, or any object for that matter, it doesn't mean that it's not there or it doesn't exist. When you have successfully taught him this, he will understand that you WILL COME BACK when you leave the room, and therefore, trust you to fulfill his needs. You can start teaching him this, the day he's home from the hospital.. never to early to start.

How do you teach him this??? Well with PEEK-A-BOO of course!! Silly question! Take a blanky and put it over your head and ask him "WHERE IS MOMMY?" Then provide him with a very witty answer.."..HERE I AM!!!". Then switch and put the blanket on him... and ask him "WHERE IS ___________", and then of course, you show him by pulling the blanket off his head. That's of course if he hasn't beat you to it!..

It would be preferable to use a blanky because making your whole head disappear is not the same as just covering your face with your hands when he can still see you :) Not to mention it will teach him not to panic if and when he accidentally pulls his blanky over his face... I would find Jordan giggling and laughing with his blanky over his face because he trusted I would pull it off him any minute with a funny "PEEK-A-BOO" face!

What does OBJECT PERMANENCE have to do with SELF-SUFFICIENCY?? It is the first step to teaching him to SELF-SOOTHE :) Self-soothing is a parent's best friend at midnight. If you want your baby to learn how to self-soothe, one of the keys to teaching him this is through OBJECT PERMANENCE...consistently!

I know this is somewhat a lot to digest for now, so I will leave you with these thoughts and will continue my postings on this subject when I'm not falling asleep!


Good night.. and may you sleep all night!

Amber Alert

Missing Girl from North Dakota!  You never know where this post could end up and I'm not going to stop passing this one around if it means a little girl can be found!!! Please spread this picture far and wide.... You just never know. Michelle Marie Smith, Birthdate: 9/10/02 . Answers to Peanut. BEFORE YOU SKIP THIS, LOOK AT THE CHILD. DO IT AGAIN.  NOW SEND IT TO ALL IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK.  IT TAKES 10 SECONDS. PEOPLE ARE MISSING HER AND SHE WANTS TO BE HOME.  DO SOMETHING GOOD. Sue & Barry Wilcox (406) 961-4064 IF YOUR CHILD WAS MISSING WOULDN'T YOU PRAY THAT EVERYONE PASSED THIS EMAIL ON! DO THE RIGHT THING AND LOOK AND FORWARD!

 

PLEASE COPY AND PASTE TO YOUR EMAIL CONTACTS

THANK YOU 

Parent- Job Description

Job Description  - PARENT 

 

 This is hysterical.

 

If it had been presented this way, I don't believe any of us would have done it!

POSITION TITLE:

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma,

  Old Girl   
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Old Man, Old Boy

JOB DESCRIPTION:

Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an
often chaotic environment.

Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends 
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!

Travel expenses not reimbursed.

Extensive courier duties also required.

 TERM OF EMPLOYMENT:

 

The rest of your life.

 

 RESPONSIBILITIES:

Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $20.

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:

None.

Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:

None required unfortunately.

On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:

Get this!  

 

You pay them!

Offering frequent raises and bonuses.

A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left.

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

Mommy and Daddy, are you meeting my emotional needs?

Hi mom:

I had a dream last night..
dreamed that I was all grown up!
I saw myself but couldn't recognize who I was
Didn't look like me..
Didn't act like me..
Didn't feel like me..
I couldn't understand who I saw????

So I wanted to share my dream
and tell you what I need
So when I grow up
I can be who God made me to be
ME...

I need an accepting mommy and daddy
who will model healthy female and male characteristics

I need to be loved unconditionally
so I can reach out to you with love and have my love accepted

I need to be acknowledged
Received, heard and included, and considered important

I need affirmation, words of encouragement and praise
for my accomplishments and personal characteristics

I need support
Strength and assistance to achieve

I need to trust my mommy and daddy
To rely on you to meet my emotional and physical needs as I mature

I need knowledge and Instruction
at the level of my inquiries

I need safe and nurturing touch
Without fear of pain or invasion

I need direction
Gentle training for my decision making and learning self control

I need active participation and caring
from my significant others

I need time devoted specifically to me
so I know I'm important and matter in your life

I need a sense of security
A peaceful home to enjoy the pure joy of the magic of my childhood

I need a comfortable routine
so my life is predictable and ..

I need the consistency of knowing
that consequences to my actions are based on principle
not emotions..

Finally, I need WINGS!
Freedom at the APPROPRIATE AGE
and maturity level to make my own choices in life...

Ten Month Old Baby Driver Stops Traffic!

Ten month old baby driver shocks the world when he stopped traffic while teaching his mother how to drive!

SAFETY TIP #1: Keep your eyes on the road! Leave the make up at home. You are my mommy and you will always look beautiful to me :)

SAFETY TIP#2: Keep both hands at the 3' and 9 O'clock position. Don't worry about the mess I'm making in the back..your car will never be clean again!

SAFETY TIP #3: Always be aware of your surrounding traffic, you'll never know when a crazy Paramedic ambulance comes flying through the intersection!

SAFETY TIP#4: Always keep your hand on the wheel..Yes, even if you're turning your head to check on the little old Asian lady that just swerved into your lane! You would think she'd have better peripheral vision..LOL!!! :)

"Hey!..what's wrong with that guy..can't you see I'm driving here!..geese!

SAFETY TIP #5: Wear your seat belt..oops! Maybe I should write to Ford and ask them why they haven't invented a seat belt that doesn't cut my circulation off at the neck!

(No..this isn't a Britney Spears brain fart!..These were taken at a Parking lot) :)

Should Children witness Child Birth?

Some of you may not know this, I was a Paramedic and worked in EMS for over 10 years before my back injury. While on medical leave is when I had my son, Jordan. I miss my work, so when ever I get the opportunity to live my Paramedic experiences vicariously through these, I love to share them!



Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place ........spank his butt again!'








If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.

Raising a child with Character and Integrity

Begin in infancy: Parents are in a great degree responsible for the mold given to the character of their children. It is our solemn duty to train our children to right habits and behavior. The parents work must begin in infancy, so they may receive the right impress of character or else the world may put its stamp on their mind and heart.

The importance of the first three years: The first three years is the time in which to bend the tiny twig. Moms should understand the importance attaching this period. It is here where their foundation is laid.

Proper words of commendation: Whenever you can speak a word of commendation for your child's conduct, you should do so. You should encourage them by words of approval (not flattery) and looks of love. These will be a sunshine to the heart of a child and will lead to the cultivation of self-respect and pride of character rather than self-centeredness and selfishness.

A day of reckoning for parents: Happy are the parents who are a true reflection of the divine, so that the promises of God awaken in your child gratitude and reverence. The parents whose tenderness and justice and long-suffering interpret to to your child the love, justice and long-suffering of God, and who by teaching your child to love, trust and obey you, you are teaching your child to love, trust and obey their Father in heaven. When parents and children meet at the final reckoning, what a scene it will be :)

Losing baby phat! Mommy-robics for the busy mom

         

Hi everyone! Thank you all for joining in my discussion "Daddy wants his sexy mama back". I got so many useful tips, and links that I thought I'd put it all together for all the busy moms out there on their quest to lose the baby phat!

Let me start by saying that my hubby doesn't care how much I weigh!! This is my quest to get healthy and have the energy to enjoy my son and my hubby! Like RTBjr73 said " The number one reason is to get healthy and to set a good example for our kids"

For starters; I got inspired by my blogger friend Gretchen-she's a mom on a mission! I was so impressed with her perseverance and focus. She's made such an amazing progress!! Kinda jealous to tell you the truth! :) I thought I should join her quest!

• 

  Searchingwithin brought up a good point! Drink water! HYDRATE, HYDRATE, HYDRATE! There's no better way to help the body process fat than by drinking water instead of sodas and high sugared juices!! ( I gained 25lbs in my first trimester due to drinking "natural sodas"!)..J-LO booty or not, that is just way too much weight to gain at once!

  
  

• All you need is 10 MINUTES! Christinebean is a firm believer of the "The ten minute solution" with Pilates. Busy mommy or not, you are worth TEN MINUTES!

  
  
• Finally, Mayjah has the most creative post on exercising while multi-tasking! What a better way to exercise while you are on the computer, or washing dishes or even, yes..while watching "Desperate housewives" on TV!! She did mention that you may be suddenly attacked by your other half while doing some of these!  I agree!
  
  
  So, without further adew... here is my version of

MOMMY-ROBICS

CARDIO: Grab a set of your favorite tunes, load them up to your ipod or Mp3 player, put on some sexy workout gear, put your baby on his stroller/wagon/bike seat and head for a stroll around your neighborhood. While your walking and listening to some upbeat music you accomplish two things: It BOOSTS UP YOUR MOOD and it provokes you to WALK FASTER! Jog if you like the challenge of pushing the stroller on an uphill!! That will get your legs warmed up real fast! (Sexy workout gear is for psychological motivation ladies, not meant for flirting with your neighbor! ;)

LEG LIFTS/TUMMY TUCK (lower abdominal pooch)

A. Start flat on the floor, baby rests on top of your feet.  

Good to start with feet touching the floor.

B. Raise your legs so that knees are bent at 90 degree angle.  Use your stomach muscles to lift.

So far I can only do 2 sets/of 10 on all these..But you can shoot for more!!

J-LO HINEY TIGHTENER-UPPERS (say that ten times fast)

A. Start with lower back flat on 

the floor. Use baby on your stomach as resistant weight.  He has fun watching you sweat!

B. Use your butt muscles to lift your torso into a straight line with your legs.  SQUEEZE 

THEM BUTT CHEEKS!

MOMMY PUSH-UPS ( arm flab, booby boost )

A. Start with knees bent, place baby under you so you're forced to lift your weight :) Elbows bent. Stomach and back in a straight line.

B. Lift to straighten elbows, give your baby a smile! keep knees bent at 90 degree angle, HOLD!

 

BABY BENCH PRESS/Low tummy tuck 

A. Start with feet and back flat on floor. Lift baby up "Super Boy!"

He'll like flying.

B. As you lower baby, lift legs off the floor as you extend them. Repeat (don't forget-BREATHE)

CORE STABILIZATION (Tummy tuck)

A. Start belly side down, up on elbows at 90 degree angle. Tips of toes facing down and ankle at 90 degree angle.

B. Lift your weight off the floor on the tips of your toes and elbows. Use Abdominal muscles to lift your core.  KISS BABY!!

And there goes your ten minutes!! Not long but effective, specially when you're using an 19 lbs weight!!  I can guarantee your baby will have a blast and you will be sore in the morning!  You're other half may have to sit it out for a few nights :(  But it's worth it at the end.

Stay tunned for follow up posts.  Feel free to grab my widget on your way out to keep up with my next post on this quest.   Don't forget to leave your link if you wanna join and play!!